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|getting lost and staying lost|staying lost and loving lost|finding lost and losing found|finding you|

Now, oddly to me, there's only ever been me. Well.. not exactly. There's always been a few of me, but rather than being pluralities of concious within, they were all me and spoke with the same voice (though that voice seemed to echo)

And then a few days ago, I found myself chastizing myself from a third person perspective. And then that third person perspective stayed.

And now, I quite comfortably and beneficially have first person-third person conversation with myself.

I call them Me and me, or Will and will (since my given name is Will.i.am)
Although I have always suspected (and now indeed it seems proven) that the little me is actually the one who's responsible for interfacing with the world.
It is will, me, who is writing while Will is prodding me along.

I had a dream, where I saw myself standing over myself, and i was writing.

The greater me leaned over, heavy like a teacher with a weighty lesson, and said "Here, in the loops and whorls. Here on the page. You can see it in your handwriting, it is in your footfalls, it is in your voice. A secret which is not secret. A language in front of us that says everything we ever need to know about ourselves and others, and all it needs is an interpreter. It is everywhere, it is in every thing that has been touched by human hands. Here, within, is the secret. Search for micro-organisation."

And I did. I researched handwriting and body language analysis. I researched vocal analysis. I went out and researched just about every example I could find of micro-organisational behaviour.

And when I did, I realised that it was not really 'me' who was in control at all. Rather, the one who is running the show (albeit very subtly) was indeed the same aspect of my psyche who sings and daydreams in the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth. He's the one who does the walking while I'm talking. He's the one who gives my voice and handwriting and mannerisms.

When I thought about it, I realised that all of these things were, at some level, choices.

And yet.. I somehow don't remember choosing the way I write, the way I sing, or what I prefer in women.. and yet I obviously had. Especially since I can also choose how to altar them. I can excercise my voice, and I can make a concious effort to change my posture and how I walk, and these concious alterations can have a lasting effect.

So then I started to analyze as many of my habits as I could, right down to the order that I remove eggs from the carton. What I eventually realised is that all of my habits could be linked with past experience.

I thought back and tried to remember the stupidest things. Like how, once upon a time I didn't know how to use a can opener, so sometime around when I learned, I also formed a preference that I always keep the can opener in the drawer with the cutlery, which is always the top drawer on the left.

That then brought revelations as to how I formed my preferences, and how circumstance had affected my decision making. And that all of my mannerisms had stayed pretty well the same as when I'd first adopted them.

Even my vocal inflections have turned out to be situationally influenced, as anyone who has lost or gained an accent can attest. If i've been hanging out with people from where I grew up (east coast of canada) I pick up my old accent and will maintain it for days. Curiously I forget how to speak without the accent.

So the next step was trying to change my mannerisms, and while I have met with great success, have found that even the smallest habit is strikingly hard to change. Even if one should manage to overwrite an old habit for a new, given an opportunity or reminder, you'll often revert to the old habit without even noticing.

How deeply these micro-habits are embedded, and how much they'd played a role in my life, started to become truly usettling. I found that most of my problems were largely a result of my own unwillingness to stray from habits that i didn't even realise I had. i had marked so much progression and change, in relation between myself and the world, and yet, applied at a different scale I found myself repeating the same patterns in my life. Except that they were now hidden by the ever increasing complexity of day to day life. i didn't notice, because I always had so much to do.

Obviously I was dealing with my subconcious here. It was everywhere, and had made every decision for me. I was even forced to admit that every decision I made was inherantly a subconcious decisions. Hell, even the decision to challenge the domination of my sub-concious must have sprung up from my subconcious. I didn't pull it out of thin air. I couldn't have.

He had been running the show all along. Ever decision I have ever made was already made before I formed it into words, and finally into action. He had the first say in EVERYTHING.

Or did he?

No.. that wasn't right either. Because in between Him and me, was my body and my senses. And those were in between Him and the World. So really.. the World had first say in everything I had done.

But that still wasn't quite right. I thought on it some more and realised that I was instantly privy to sensory information, but did not have instant access to thought. I smell smoke before I know what's burning. If I smell enough smoke, I don't need to know what's burning to know that its a damn good idea to find out.

So what that meant was that i, being instantly privilige to tactile information, must also be in between the World and Him.

In between the world and my subconcious (Him, with a capital H because he is the source of everything i think), was my body and me.

And I draw a seperation between Him and me, because I don't always agree with what he says. Sometimes he tells me he's angry enough to kill, but I keep telling him that would get us arrested and besides.. the feeling would pass.
Sometimes He tells me that i should empty my pockets to a panhandler, but i say 'sorry, i'm out' primarily because it's habit. i usually am out.

But wait a minute. Human interaction is a loop, isn't it? The World creates the stimulus, which is then recieved by my body, which is who I listen to first and foremost, and then I pass it onto my subconcious who thinks on it a bit, makes a decision based on the sum of all previous relevant experience, and passes it back onto me, who usually fucks it up because i'm so habit ridden, and then back onto the world.

Damn. That's one righteously circuitous route. Multiply that by 2 and that's what stands between Me and You.

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